Parashat Vayishlach: Yaakov's Prayer

Katonti Mikol HaHasadim Umekol Haemet Asher Asita et Avdekha. “I am unworthy of all the kindness that You have so steadfastly shown Your servant.” This is the beginning of Yaakov’s prayer before he meets Esav this week. Katonti. I am katan, small. I have been given so much, and I am so small. All this abundance is not my own doing, but a gift from above.

How does this acknowledgment help Yaakov to face the difficult situation before him, meeting up with a brother who has in the past desired to kill him and who now approaches with “400 men”?

Gratitude – a deep awareness of the gifts one has been granted – helps one face many situations. With gratitude comes a sense of dependence on someone other than oneself, and also a sense of trust. All this I have been given; I trust that all will continue to work out well for me. Katonti, Yaakov says. I am small. I didn’t do it myself, and I won’t be able to face the next situation myself. I simply trust.

Gratitude also promotes a feeling of generosity. I have so much, I am so overflowing, that I will pass it on, let it overflow into the world and to others. And so it is that Yaakov, immediately following this prayer, sends out gifts to Esav. Yes, they are appeasement gifts, but they also represent his new attitude toward his possessions and toward others. Whereas in the past, he wouldn’t even give his hungry brother a bowl of soup without getting something in return, now he freely offers multiple gifts. Feeling his own smallness and great good fortune, his gifts overflow from him toward his brother.

Perhaps Esav felt this shift in his brother and responded in kind. We don’t know what his intentions originally were with those 400 men. Perhaps he was at first still bent on anger, but was softened by Yaakov’s display of generosity, and the change it implied, that Yaakov was no longer a wretched heel grabber, but had enough of a sense of blessedness to give blessings to others. Gratitude leads to generosity which leads to forgiveness and peace.

There is always something to complain about. Yaakov could have begun his prayer with complaint – he suffered so at the hands of Lavan, being tricked out of a wife and his wages and then being chased down by him, and now facing a brother who wants to kill him. He could have seen himself as deserving of better treatment. He could have said to God – I’m a pretty good guy – I’m big, not small – why do you do all this to me? But instead what he felt was gratitude for the gifts he had been given and a sense of humility. Katonti. And out of this feeling of smallness and an acute awareness of God’s grace and kindness, he gathers the strength to face his brother.